Growing Up Hapa

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Okay, I know the term "hapa" was not originally meant to be a positive term, but it honestly doesn't bother me.  I never thought that growing up as half Japanese and half White would be a plus until I was older.  Growing up I was surrounded by kids who were "whole".  They were White, Black, Hispanic, you name it, but very rarely did I encounter anyone who was mixed.  As a child, I remember being asked, "What are you?" and being told, "You're weird."  That had a profound affect on how I identified, and did a number on my self-esteem.  I was never a "whole" anything, and I so desperately wanted to be like everyone else.  My bestest-best friend is also mixed, but she moved away when we were still in grade school.  It also didn't help that my White side was far less accepting of my being mixed than my Japanese side (I've always felt more connected to them)...not all of my White relatives, but many of them.  This is going to sound incredibly racist, but large groups of White people freaked me out, even when it came to family reunions.  Luckily I no longer have that problem.  My brother looks White, but since I don't I was always told I "looked weird" by some of my White relatives.  Of course, being young I didn't understand that it wasn't me who was weird; it was them.  My experience being mixed led me to write a literature review in undergrad that focused on the effects of being mixed on adolescent behavior. 

I never chose (and still don't choose) friends based on race/ethnicity.  We are all human; you get along with some people and others, well, not so much.  The first time I was told that I couldn't be friends with someone because of my ethnicity was in high school.  By that time, I could handle people thinking I was weird for being mixed.  I was not, however, ready for that kind of racism.  Of course I knew it existed...I just didn't think it would affect me.  There was The Hapa Project awhile back, which I decided to participate in while it was at JANM (Japanese American National Museum).  They took a Polaroid, and asked us to answer:  "What are you?"  I thought, "...human, of course!"  In the process that is life, I have learned to accept and love the fact that I am different.  I have also learned that I am "whole".  I am 100% hapa and 100% American! 

Hopefully those of you who are struggling will know you are not alone.  If you are mixed, have you experienced anything like I did?